Est! Est!! Est!!!. What the fuck is it? It’s a wine with a strange name that has a couple of different stories outlining how anything was names such. I mean, I could see it being a car maybe.
The Est! Est!! Est!!! gets over 300 miles to the gallon, it has a sleek, elongated golf ball appearance for better wind resistance. It goes 0 to 60 in never, because hey, fuck convention. It comes in many non-conformist colors such as Fusia, Cheerwine, and Star Wars. Get yours today.
I’m not going to relay the stories told to the tourist of the DOC in Italy. It’s a small and somewhat boring story behind why a simple yet enjoyable wine made from a blend of Trebbiano and Malvasia could get a name that could either be completely bad-to-the-bone fucking ass, or something that is painted a platinum fleck lime green where they didn’t quite get the clear coat right so it kind of looks like it has a weird haziness to it. Not in a cool way.
I’m going to tell a completely different story of Est! Est!! Est!!!, which will henceforward be referred to as Est because fuck typing those exclamation marks.
The Middle Ages was a shitty place. There was a disease that was killing off huge numbers of people. There was a mass of ignorants who toiled for life under a handful of very wealthy people, and the church was taking over everything. It was just a God awful time to be alive. As everyone now knows the general awefulness of those times caused the world collapse on itself. The sky filled with fire, the machines took over, then the sharks came, and now…desert. Mankind, like an underarm rash, persisted through it all, but there was no law. No real law anyway.
There was one man. At the beginning no one thought he would save the world. At one time he was just a simple policeman. Times were hard in this era of sand. Some people called what was left of the Earth the Outback, after a car that was littered to every corner of it. This policeman saw the beginning of the end for his normal way of life. He chose to take his wife and son into the country side to hide from the turmoil that was afoot. The man’s name was Est.
An Order of the Robed Berserker Monks tracked Est and his family down. When they arrived Est wasn’t there. When Est got home all that were left were the drown, charred, and bullet ridden remains of everyone he ever loved. Est shed a single tear and went and put on his all leather policeman’s super uniform. He sequestered the finest donkey the MFP (Mother Fucking Police) had at their disposal, the Mach VII. The Mach VII was never meant to be actually ridden as it was still in its prototype phase but such trifles don’t concern Est in the least.
The leader of the Berserker Monks was only known as Doom. Doom fled across the desert on foot. Est followed. The barren, plague ridden land of Italy at the time was at the very least was mostly a no man’s land. The sick, the murderous, and the doctors donning beaks intended to fuel the nightmares of all the generations to follow roamed throughout the land always ready to strike out at a moment’s notice. And that’s not to mention the lepers and witches. Don’t even get me started on those.
Est and Mach VII made it very far their first day with their blazing pace of seven miles an hour and eventually came to a camp with a campfire that still had smoldering embers. Had Doom fled early? Did he only travel by night? Est knew that when he left he was at least a day and a half behind. The recently abandoned camp was a good sign. He restoked the fire and set up to get some sleep.
When morning came he realized that Mach VII was gone. Est jumped out of his makeshift sleeping bag and searched around the area, occasionally finding large blood spots in the sand. It didn’t take long for Est to realize the inviting camp had been a trap. Doom and his men had leveled the playing field. None the less they still couldn’t be too far ahead.
Est gathered his things and set off on foot in the direction he knew Doom would travel. The only direction he could, toward the Thieves’ City. It was about a day’s walk.
The journey was uninterrupted. He was able to sit for a while here and there but he found that if he just kept an easy pace he could make up a lot of distance. The sun was beginning to approach the horizon and Est came to a large dune he chose to scale. He decided he’d set up camp at top so he could have full view of the area around him. As he scaled the side of the mound he realized there was a faint light emanating from the other side. He knew that Thieves’ must lie on the other side.
Est rested at the top of dune as planned. From the darkness he watched the city below him writhe with the movement of its inhabitants. He was close enough that the noises and smells of the metropolis were all around him, though faint. He wasn’t sure what kind of clout a man like Doom had in such a city but he imagined it must be quite a bit. Est was prepared to kill each and every person down there to get to the man who ruined his life. He’d begin in the morning.
Est was awoke with a start. It was still dark. Someone was nearby. Then there was a quick pain in the back of his head followed by blackness.
The room he awoke in was subterranean. Everything was cold and hard. His head was a cacophony of pain. His vision was initially blurred but as it began to correct itself he realized there was someone in the room with him. She was dressed in grey robes and had the largest hair he’d ever seen on a human.
“Welcome back, Mr. Est, to the land of the living. We’ve been expecting you. When Doom told me he hadn’t been followed I realized he’s an even bigger idiot than I initially believed. You see, this has all been prophesied. Your coming here. The revenge you will attempt to carry out”
“Oh yeah? And how is that supposed to end Ms…”
“Tina Turner. My name is Tina Turner. I am the Queen, Ruler, Judge, jury and executioner here. Everything you see around you and everything you saw before you from your little perch there at the top of the east dune. Lucky for you, I’m no fan of that homicidal jackass Monk Doom either.” Tina lurched down in her seating position, resting her elbows on her knees. “So what I’m going to do is let you fight him to the death this time tomorrow in my Thunderdome. Had you arrived here by yourself Mr. Est then I would have likely taken you to the mines where they would work you until your death in 4 days. Always four days.”
“So now you’re going to give me what I want? What’s the catch?”
“Oh there is no catch. Doom isn’t the kind of person I can’t have executed honey.” She grins and lightly shakes her head. “With him being affiliated with the church and all… But if someone were to work him up into a tizzy over how this lone guy could have the audacity to follow him, a man of the cloth, and get him good and mad about it that he DEMANDS to be allowed the opportunity to fight you to the death.” She looked back up at EST “I need him gone. I need you to kill him. If you do, you walk away from here alive and with enough supplies to get you to the next settlement.”
|Goddamned right deal.|
To be Continued...